The Drop…It Like It’s Hot Or Lukewarm

Well the busiest part of my summer is over, and I can get back to writing for you lovely folks. This week is over…holy crap it’s over. Oh boy…mmm this is awkward. I didn’t do what I said I was going to do. That’s annoying. Alright let’s just delve into the next trailer shall we?

Well jumping in we start with Tom Hardy behind the bar giving away free drinks…I guess the economy has gotten good enough. Oh and money changes hands all night long in Brooklyn, so I guess the money situation there is alright. Oh wait it isn’t money you can deposit in the bank. Well the criminal economy there seems to be doing beautifully.

Hey!! It’s James Gandolfini!!!! Yay! One of the late great actors of his time, and this last decade or more. Gandolfini’s character is named Cousin Marv. He runs a “drop bar.” A bar where dirty money is dropped, to be picked up later by whoever owns it. Seems like a straightforward business. What could go…oh crap a robbery. Oh no. Cousin Marv tries to reason with the robbers, I mean they must not know who they’re stealing from. They’re stealing someone’s dirty money, and dirty people own dirty money. They are about to steal money from dirty people. Well the robbers take it anyway.

Now you know Cousin Marv and Tom Hardy’s character Bob can’t say anything to the cops. So what are they supposed to do? They’re between flashing blue lights, and some very dirty people. Not to mention these very dirty people own the drop bar, Marv just runs it. Back in the day Marv was a tough guy, but times have changed you gotta be tough and mean. Bob, he doesn’t seem like a tough guy, not only to Noomi Rapace, but not to me either. He seems like too much of a nice guy, but back in the day who knows? He used to run in a crew with Marv. Apparently Bob doesn’t live that life anymore, he just tends a bar.

These dirty guys who own the bar show up in a van with some guy in the back, and that guys doesn’t look too comfortable. They ask Bob and Marv if they know the guy, and they both reply no. I don’t think the guy is going to last very long, just my own personal intuition. After the dirty guys have left, Bob pulls out some money with blood on it and tells Marv he needs to take a look inside the bag the money came out of. Of course Marv is playing the tough guy role…because he is a tough guy and says he doesn’t need to look.I have a feeling these guys better find the money fast or they’re going to end up looking like our comfortable friend in the van.

Oh look it’s Bob playing with a dog by the ocean, and he tells the dog not to look in the bag that he’s pulling its toy from. Awwww look at the pit bull!!! She’s so cute! Yes that’s right I’m assuming it’s a she. Wait why can’t the dog look in the bag? Bob what’s in there. Well whatever it is, it belongs in the ocean.

Marv starts reminiscing about how the bar used to be his, but you know what? His name is still on the front of it. He starts getting all tough and sentimental and then Bob brings him back down to earth.

“It’s over.”

That line is always amazing to hear. We see some money exchange hands at the bar, Noomi Rapace crying, and Bob explaining that he’s not one of the men who deals with. He’s not a dirty man, he’s a good man. A good man in a bad place and situation. A type of anti-hero in a way. He’s the perfect protagonist…oh wait.

Oh crap looks like some guy might be ready to get rough with Noomi Rapace!

Oh no Cousin Marv is going back down memory lane.

“…I was respected and I was feared, and that meant something!”

Oh no he’s going to do something desperate. Well according to Bob, he thinks Marv is going to do something desperate. Wait wait wait, did he just ask if Marv was doing something that they couldn’t clean up this time? Oh crap they were real tough guys back in the day. Well Bob really cleans up well…get it? Cleans up well, because apparently they cleaned up something back in the day because neither one of them got caught. Then Bob doesn’t even look like a tough guy, and plus he is Tom Hardy. So he cleans up pretty well indeed, in all three of those aspects. It was an awful joke yes, but it got my point across.

“There are some sins you commit, that you can’t come back from.”

Well the movie looks…decent I guess. The writing seems a bit ehh, or maybe it’s the way the lines are delivered in the trailer. The movie just doesn’t excite me. It looks like it will be good, and I hope that will be. Especially since it is one of the last that James Gandolfini did before his untimely death. I’m just not impressed at the moment. Well it comes out September 12th. You should go check it out if this movie seems right up your alley. I may check it out but I’m not sure yet. Alright that’s it for this one, adios!

 

Fury…Quiet Intense Fury

“If you think it can’t get worse, it can and it will.”

Well that’s…that’s just fine and dandy. Hidee ho there ladies and gents, here we are with another trailer review. One of the ones I promised. This one is making up for the absence of yesterdays. Work has been killer, but that isn’t going to stop me from writing these trailer reviews for you! Let’s dive in shall we?

Today we’re diving into Fury, a historical war drama set in World War II. We have Brad Pitt leading this great cast, and the movie looks pretty good.

We open the trailer with that line in quotes up top, after a couple shots of tanks rolling against the horizon and a close up of Pitt. Sounds like this film is going to be a heart-warmer, somebody find the tissues! In this movie Pitt’s character is valiantly named Wardaddy. He’s a pretty little hardened war man ain’t he? We find out that there’s still killing yet to do and a war that still needs to be fought. Well it looks like Wardaddy has some férfiasság…or cojones. The first one is Hungarian, sorry. Basically Wardaddy promised his men that he would get them home safe. Seriously, you promise someone that not to mention a group of men when you’re at war? Real férfiasság, no joke.

In the next little part of the trailer we find out that Wardaddy and his crew are the only survivors out of the Third Platoon…seriously?! Dag! That’s crazy. No one else survived but the protagonists of the story, as to make them look even more awesome and tough. Go figure. Whoa Shia LaBouf looks hard in this movie, like life has turned him down. Geez!

Oh look it’s Logan Lermon, a little boy who is not hardened. Wonder if being with Wardaddy and his crew will turn that innocent looking boy into a hard little army man? I think it’s inevitable, or maybe he’ll break down mentally? That’s one of the questions this trailer immediately poses. I mean the kid flinches at the sound of blasts and bullets, and Wardaddy clearly doesn’t look happy about him tagging along. Lerman’s character is Ellison, the new kid on the block.

Wardaddy points to a tank and says that it is Ellison’s home. Oh look it’s named Fury. Right now Peter Griffin would be pointing that out, just like I am. Whoa Wardaddy went from Africa to Germany doing nothing but killing Natzis…oh wait Brad Pitt says that in that other World War II movie that shall not be mentioned. DARN YOU QUENTIN TARANTINO!!!!

Oops sorry, really I’m sorry. I should stick to this first before shouting out things like DARN YOU QUENTIN TARANTINO!!!!!

Oh crap, did it again. I really am sorry. Anyways Brad Pitt says Germans in this movie…thank goodness. Moving on!

Well Wardaddy has been with his group of men for years. Then we get the amazing dramatic trailer text, ugh I hate those. Then Jason Issacs, one of my all time crushes tells Wardaddy that if a certain group of German soldiers gets past him the American army will be “dead in the water.” That sounds bad…very bad. It has the word dead in it…that’s bad.

Well Wardaddy assures Ellison that he would never have him do something, that he himself did not have to do. Wardaddy and his men go through a series of checks, and then we see the innocence of Ellison conflict with his duties. A German with an RPG seems to pop up from the ground and be ready to shoot Fury. Now it’s Ellison’s job to shoot him down, but he’s hesitating. That hesitation gets him yelled at, which inevitably makes him shoot down the German and kill his first man.

“Deals are peaceful, history is violent.”

These are some well placed quotes, then again don’t they do that with every Brad Pitt movie? Or any movie really? It just seems that Brad Pitt is a poster child for saying amazing lines in trailers. He just has the face and voice for it. His trailer quotes are memorable for some reason. Shia LaBeouf really looks rough in this movie, I’m beginning to think that his character was in Ellison’s shoes not too long ago. Even though Wardaddy says he’s been with those men for a long time, I feel like Shia’s character is a baby-face, or at least was like Eliison not too long ago.

“It will end, soon. But before it does, a lot more people gotta die.”

I think a lot of Brad Pitt’s quotes in trailers are either brutally honest or funny. I think a lot of the characters he plays are brutally honest actually. Well Ellison is scared…so is Wardaddy. Wardaddy’s men love their job, and they have to fight 300 Germans by themselves. Wait what? Hold on. 300? Holy crap. 300 against 5, or 5 against 300. Either way the odds are never in their favor in that situation. So shut up Effie!! Anybody get it…the Hunger Games reference? Ehh? Anybody get the really corny and awful joke I just made?

Anyways we see a little action throughout the trailer, it looks good. Some suspense and yelling. The movie looks pretty good. I’m actually looking forward to it. It comes out November 14th and if you like historical dramas, the death of innocence, and Brad Pitt being brutally honest then go see it. Alright ladies and gents, peace!!

 

Kingsman: The Secret Service

Day #2 of out week long trailer reviews and today we’re doing Kingsman: The Secret Service. I’m a little biased because the film has Colin Firth in it and I adore him sooooo….yeah understand that now. Anyways moving on!

Alright now I did a little digging and found out that this movie is loosely based on a comic book, and I mean very loosely based. Seriously loosely based. The relationships in the movie are nothing like the ones in the comic book. So all you die hard fans that know what comic I’m talking about I’m warning you now to be prepared. All of you who don’t know what I’m talking about…you still don’t know what I’m talking about and if you want to know do a little digging. Nah I’m not that mean. The comic book is called The Secret Service by Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons.

We open up the trailer to hear Colin Firth describing someone…I think he’s describing the really clean cut looking kid who’s supposed to be some little criminal. Why is he so pretty? Seriously? Couldn’t he look a little sleazy, like a tad bit. He’s too clean cut to look like a complete criminal. Now supposedly this kid is smart, but he gave up in school. He got involved with drugs and little petty crimes. Oh and get this he’s never had a job. So how does he have a clean hair cut? Why does he look like he just stepped out of the salon? Seriously come on guys? Like, come on! Moving on.

Then we hear that kid is on a certain path that he doesn’t need to stay on. Oooo I wonder if their going to offer to make him into a super spy for the British government? Oh wait they are! See I knew I was psychic. Now the young actor who is playing the protagonist of the movie’s name is Taron Egerton. He plays Eggsy. Now Eggsy is released from jail and while walking down the steps sees Colin Firth leaning against the wall. Eggsy asks him who he is. Now I don’t know about you but when I see a guy leaning against a wall who clearly doesn’t look like he belongs there I ask questions, but not out loud. I look and keep walking. But hey we’re in movie land right? This kid’s intuition gets the best of him and he asks who Colin Firth is. I don’t even want to know what Colin Firth’s character’s name is I just want to keep saying Colin Firth. I just love that he’s in this movie. He’s in another trailer I might be doing as well.

Really though Colin Firth’s character’s name is Lancelot…I love it!!! Moving on. Lancelot tells Eggsy that he’s the one who got him out of jail, then he walks off like a G! With his sophisticated glasses, umbrella (in sunny weather), and suave walk. Oh and not to mention the suit. Clearly this guy is no normal guy. He walks off and clearly Eggsy has to follow, it would ruin the movie if he didn’t.

Oh well maybe he doesn’t follow him. Looks like he was given directions to come to a tailor shop, but Eggsy already knows, Lancelot ain’t no tailor! Lancelot takes Eggsy to a mirror and tells him that he see potential like every other mentor like character. He tells Eggsy to pull the hook on the left and then the fun begins. Guns, gadgets, righteous looking suits, and glasses!!! A lighter that’s not something that electrifies people, but it’s a kick butt hand grenade.

The song on this trailer is killer. We find out that Lancelot operates with a secret service which works under the highest level of discretion. They’re called the Kingsman Agents, and they are the new knights. Which knights are pretty important in the UK. Then Mark Strong comes along and says that this room of boys in a super secret bedroom will be embarking on the most dangerous job interview of their lives…go frigging figure. I thought it would be more a of cake walk.

Then we see Eggsy getting ready to be run over by a train…wow they weren’t kidding. Hey don’t fail, you could die! Great. Anyways Michael Cain asks Lancelot if he felt sorry for Eggsy at that’s why he brought him along, Lancelot explains that Eggsy has just as much potential as any of the other preppy looking boys up for being a Kingsman. Oh look at that boy from the bottom competing against boys from the top to prove himself. Go underdog! Yay! Rich snobby people evil, petty thieves with high IQ’s good. Forget that they’re both on the same side for a moment.

Michael Cain tells Lancelot that Eggsy is just going to end up being humiliated. Which is also a big part of the hero journey, so go figure if it happens. There’s no way it can’t. Mark Strong goes on to say that the tests are going to push these boys to their limits and enhance their skills, but not in that order. They have to learn how to solve problems under pressure, like when one of your mates has no parachute. Oh boy he just explained the scene in the trailer!! Wooohoo! I actually would have wanted to wait for that surprise but whatever.

Then we get some cool action stuff, Lancelot stunning people with a bulletproof umbrella, and then Samuel L. Jackson with a lisp. Talking about how British people talk funny, oh wow the writers of this movie must be pretty witty. Then we get more awesome music, Lancelot loading a gun in a room full of people (HOT), a woman with prosthetic legs kicking butt, Michale Cain pressing a button, Lancelot getting something exploded in his face (I think it’s Lancelot, I hope not), and then possibly Eggsy scaling up walls. 

Then of course you have to end the trailer on a funny note with Eggsy stealing a hand grenade when Lancelot isn’t looking, and Lancelot telling him to put it back before they leave.

Overall the movie looks alright. I’m excited to see it. The action looks cool, it has a great cast. The movie isn’t out until October but I’m definitely excited!

October 24th, the action looks great and the acting looks pretty good! Check it out. It’s gonna be a good one!!

Transformers….FINALLY!!!

Well hey hey hey there ladies and gents, guess who’s back?! Life has been a little crazy, messy, and enigmatic right now. I apologize for just drifting off into the abyss. I’m back and I missed you all!! By you all I mean the few people who follow this blog so far. I love you guys, and I’m just glad you stuck around.  Lets get started shall we?!

Well I promised Transformers and I’m going to stick to it…even though that was weeks ago. But let’s not dwell on the past! Here we go.

We learn that mankind has found the greatest advance in modern physics since the splitting of the atom…oh boy for all you science geeks out there. The rest of us just kind of shrugged and went oh that’s cool, how are we as a humanity going to screw that up? Because we as humans tend to do that with advancements in a movie. Then we see Stanley Tucci playing with a metal whose molecules are unstable. I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t be messing around with a metal that’s unstable on a molecular level with my hands. But I’m no science wiz. Just the word unstable makes me want to stay away from it. Just putting it out there. Moving on!

In the beginning we see a Transformer on a biopsy like table and then we see a Transformer…transform. Then Stanley Tucci says that the metal the humans have discovered is the metal “they” the Transformers are made out of. What in the heck?! Why do humans need the metal that Transformers are made of?! Unless it’s to idiotically hunt down the very robots that have saved your lives at least three stinkin times already! I’m sorry but this whole you saved us and now we’re going to turn against you thing is getting old! I’m not seeing originality here…then again when’s the last time you actually saw real ingenuity in Hollywood. Everything is recycled. Alright moving on!

Speaking of recycled we get the same little sequence we got in the other trailer with Mark Wahlberg…Cade. Oh for the love God that name!!!!!! Ugh! Well in a very Mark Wahlbergish way he tells his daughter and some random hippy looking guy…which every protagonist needs a hippie or slovenly deuteragonist that’s a coward but steps up in the end. Really though, every protagonist in a generic action film needs one. He tells them that he thinks that they found a Transformer. The government shows up in their black tahoes and they get a little rowdy with Cade’s daughter. Bad government! Bad!

Then the government asks for Optimus and then here comes Mr. Prime guns a blaze, kicking some serious bootie!!! Woohoo! Optimus explains that the humans are hunting the Transformers now…again how disappointing and generic. But then there goes Optimus in his awesome voice saying he fears that everyone is a target now. There’s some even more alien looking Transformer thing that Mark Wahlberg is hiding beside a car from. We all know, it’s about to go down! Oh wait no, Optimus is about to go down. LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES AT THE BEGINNING OF THESE MOVIES!!!! THE ALL IS LOST MOMENT!!!! OH BOY WHAT A SURPRISE!!!!

Sorry you had to see all those caps, I’m just tired of the whole oh no Optimus is dead or really hurt and he’s our only hope. That’s what it looks like again. I usually don’t fly off the handle like that, I apologize again. Again, moving on.

Maybe saying “moving on” will be my generic and constant thing? Hmm might as well try it, Hollywood and Michael Bay are doing it with big profits. Next we hear Optimus say that the alien race isn’t invading, they’re looking to embark on the extinction of the human race. Go friggin figure! AGAIN!!! Then again what else can you do with these type of movies? Wow I say again a lot don’t I? Maybe it’s because this film is so recycled? Geez.

You got stadiums being sucked up by a huge alien ship, Stanley Tucci yelling “Oh my God!” like an idiot again, Optimus running around, Cade’s daughter hanging from cable cords way up in the air. How did she even get up there?!!! Then you hear her calling Bumblebee to come save her. Man if it’s not Bumblebee’s fault you got up there, then girl you got yourself in this position, figure it out. Ehh I’m not that cruel…well maybe a little.

Then Optimus asks how many more of his people have to be sacrificed and Mark Wahlberg says that he has to have faith and blah blah generic blah. Then we get a little more of Optimus getting his butt kicked, awesome looking tumbling, and a close up of Bumblebee in the air. Wait Bumblebee can’t fly! Generic uh oh! Then Optimus says that the Transformers need a new army.

Holy crap is that Optimus riding in on a dinosaur Transformer?! That’s it, that makes up for everything. Everything else is now irrelevant, all the generic crap, forget it. All is forgiven. A DINOSAUR TRANSFORMER! Sorry flew off the handle again. AND OPTIMUS IS RIDING ON IT!!! Sorry…again. Alright that last sequence totally makes up for Optimus getting his butt kicked in the beginning again. Well a little bit maybe. But that dino though!! Holy crap!!

Well ladies and gents I can’t say I’m impressed with the story and I don’t think the acting is going to be that great, but the action is going to be pretty cool in this one. If you disregard Optimus getting his butt kicked of course. I think this will be one to see if you can ignore the story and just sit down for the action ride. This Friday June 27th, check it out.

And We’re Back

Hey there ladies and gents!! I’m finally back and in business and it’s been a hectic time. Life has been a whirlwind of ups and downs and new found things. I’m sorry to have been gone for so long, and just at the beginning of our life together! How dare I, you have the right to be upset if you are. If you’re not you’re a saint and I love you soooo much! But I’m back in and we’re in business. Now for the big announcement I’m doing one trailer everyday this week, and maybe an added bonus of two one day. Oh yeah ladies and gents it’s happening!! For my slacking I’m doing a trailer a day! Let’s do this!

Malfunction

Hey there ladies and gents, I’m sorry to report that my computer is down right now. It has been down all week due to a break in my charger. Not even the computer itself, the freakin charger. I’m serious.

Therefore the posts for this week are going to have to be postponed to next week. Sorry guys, but now this means I’m doing four trailers next week…yay. I know I could do the posts on my phone, but you guys see how much I write. I can’t do all that amazing on a phone. Plus I hate typing on my phone. There would be more mistakes than ever in the posts. I’ve actually already written out the posts, and I might end up doing them on my phone. Who knows? It’s just a real pain. I’m sorry guys, no means to disappoint but crap happens.

Until I get a new charger I’m going to try to find other means to  write up these posts. Cause I just realized that typing on my phone sounds better than 4 posts next week. Ciao for now guys!