Well hey hey hey there ladies and gents, guess who’s back?! Life has been a little crazy, messy, and enigmatic right now. I apologize for just drifting off into the abyss. I’m back and I missed you all!! By you all I mean the few people who follow this blog so far. I love you guys, and I’m just glad you stuck around. Lets get started shall we?!
Well I promised Transformers and I’m going to stick to it…even though that was weeks ago. But let’s not dwell on the past! Here we go.
We learn that mankind has found the greatest advance in modern physics since the splitting of the atom…oh boy for all you science geeks out there. The rest of us just kind of shrugged and went oh that’s cool, how are we as a humanity going to screw that up? Because we as humans tend to do that with advancements in a movie. Then we see Stanley Tucci playing with a metal whose molecules are unstable. I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t be messing around with a metal that’s unstable on a molecular level with my hands. But I’m no science wiz. Just the word unstable makes me want to stay away from it. Just putting it out there. Moving on!
In the beginning we see a Transformer on a biopsy like table and then we see a Transformer…transform. Then Stanley Tucci says that the metal the humans have discovered is the metal “they” the Transformers are made out of. What in the heck?! Why do humans need the metal that Transformers are made of?! Unless it’s to idiotically hunt down the very robots that have saved your lives at least three stinkin times already! I’m sorry but this whole you saved us and now we’re going to turn against you thing is getting old! I’m not seeing originality here…then again when’s the last time you actually saw real ingenuity in Hollywood. Everything is recycled. Alright moving on!
Speaking of recycled we get the same little sequence we got in the other trailer with Mark Wahlberg…Cade. Oh for the love God that name!!!!!! Ugh! Well in a very Mark Wahlbergish way he tells his daughter and some random hippy looking guy…which every protagonist needs a hippie or slovenly deuteragonist that’s a coward but steps up in the end. Really though, every protagonist in a generic action film needs one. He tells them that he thinks that they found a Transformer. The government shows up in their black tahoes and they get a little rowdy with Cade’s daughter. Bad government! Bad!
Then the government asks for Optimus and then here comes Mr. Prime guns a blaze, kicking some serious bootie!!! Woohoo! Optimus explains that the humans are hunting the Transformers now…again how disappointing and generic. But then there goes Optimus in his awesome voice saying he fears that everyone is a target now. There’s some even more alien looking Transformer thing that Mark Wahlberg is hiding beside a car from. We all know, it’s about to go down! Oh wait no, Optimus is about to go down. LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES AT THE BEGINNING OF THESE MOVIES!!!! THE ALL IS LOST MOMENT!!!! OH BOY WHAT A SURPRISE!!!!
Sorry you had to see all those caps, I’m just tired of the whole oh no Optimus is dead or really hurt and he’s our only hope. That’s what it looks like again. I usually don’t fly off the handle like that, I apologize again. Again, moving on.
Maybe saying “moving on” will be my generic and constant thing? Hmm might as well try it, Hollywood and Michael Bay are doing it with big profits. Next we hear Optimus say that the alien race isn’t invading, they’re looking to embark on the extinction of the human race. Go friggin figure! AGAIN!!! Then again what else can you do with these type of movies? Wow I say again a lot don’t I? Maybe it’s because this film is so recycled? Geez.
You got stadiums being sucked up by a huge alien ship, Stanley Tucci yelling “Oh my God!” like an idiot again, Optimus running around, Cade’s daughter hanging from cable cords way up in the air. How did she even get up there?!!! Then you hear her calling Bumblebee to come save her. Man if it’s not Bumblebee’s fault you got up there, then girl you got yourself in this position, figure it out. Ehh I’m not that cruel…well maybe a little.
Then Optimus asks how many more of his people have to be sacrificed and Mark Wahlberg says that he has to have faith and blah blah generic blah. Then we get a little more of Optimus getting his butt kicked, awesome looking tumbling, and a close up of Bumblebee in the air. Wait Bumblebee can’t fly! Generic uh oh! Then Optimus says that the Transformers need a new army.
Holy crap is that Optimus riding in on a dinosaur Transformer?! That’s it, that makes up for everything. Everything else is now irrelevant, all the generic crap, forget it. All is forgiven. A DINOSAUR TRANSFORMER! Sorry flew off the handle again. AND OPTIMUS IS RIDING ON IT!!! Sorry…again. Alright that last sequence totally makes up for Optimus getting his butt kicked in the beginning again. Well a little bit maybe. But that dino though!! Holy crap!!
Well ladies and gents I can’t say I’m impressed with the story and I don’t think the acting is going to be that great, but the action is going to be pretty cool in this one. If you disregard Optimus getting his butt kicked of course. I think this will be one to see if you can ignore the story and just sit down for the action ride. This Friday June 27th, check it out.