The Expendables III: Still Expendable

Alrighty tighty!!! Here we are again. This time we’re doing The Expendables….yay. Not really. Lets dive in!

Alright first up epic music, scaling down buildings, and running while people are shooting at you because you need to lay off the roids. Oh wait that’s not why they’re shooting at him…huh. Really? Seems like a perfectly good reason to shoot at Sylvester Stallone. Oh their shooting at his character? Who is a generic version of Stallone, oh I get it. Moving on.

Jumping out of building, standing on trains when a helicopter is coming at you. Sounds like an amazing generic action movie so far. Lets keep going! Wait a minute…trains ramming through walls?! Dear goodness me!! Terry Crews in a white beater making smart comments?! I’m in awe! Men walking up steps simultaneously in a triangle pattern?! I think my heart is going to burst!! Someone call a doctor!

Those jokes doing anything for you? If the irony isn’t apparent…it should be now. What excited me the most about this trailer was the fact that Antoni Banderas was in it. Really that’s about it. I love Antonio Banderas and in the trailer he looks just as cute as ever. OK and there’s Wesley Snipes, come on. Who can’t love that tax evading son of a gun? I no longer am impressed by Jet Li’s presence in the movie. He got his butt kicked by Dolph Lundgren in the first one. That would never happen in real life!!! Li would destroy Lundgren!!!!

Alright let me just stay on the trailer. There’s everyone else from the original Expendables and then Barney explains that they’re in a new age. Or at least that’s what IMDB explains that Barney explains. So yeah. They’re in an age where the young guns are stepping up with their new fangled technology. Wait a minute, Kelsey Grammar’s in this too? How do you go from Transformers to this crap?! Come on Kelsey! Well maybe he just knows where the cash cows are.

So the new young guns are Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell, and David Ortiz. Amazing. Then Mel Gibson and Harrison Ford have joined the cast. What the heck man?! I never thought Han Solo would drop so low. Now Mel Gibson that’s another story he was already low, really low, like core of the Earth low.

The trailer is the same old expendable crap. Action and big names. That’s it.

No doubt people will go see this, I might catch it on it’s fly to demand or Netflix. Netflix sounds better, and cheaper.

It’s a dude flick. August 15th, watch out!  There’s a load of crap coming your way.

Transformers: Age of Extinction…NOT!!

Hey hey hey there ladies and gents. I am back as promised to do two posts this week. I know I said I would do this last week, but in the blog game it’s easy to get in over your own head. Anyways lets get started! This week the first trailer up is Transformers…YES!!!

Alright in the beginning of the trailer we see some dusty hacked up truck getting towed. We find out that it’s getting towed to Mark Wahlberg’s house…oh how I wish to be that truck. Anyway, of course Mark Wahlberg’s character has a name, what it is we don’t know yet but maybe we’ll find out later in the trailer? Alright so then we are introduced to Wahlberg’s character’s daughter…wow that’s annoying to type and read. Wahlberg’s character’s daughter?

Alright IMDB I’m not waiting to hear what his name is, what is it? His name is Cade…Cade? It can’t be come on, Cade? Serisously?! Sounds like someone tried to come up with a cool name and then came up with that. But I digress, lets get back to the trailer.

Now where was I, oh yes. We then see…Cade’s daughter, who is named Tessa. I can handle that. She tells her father that they can’t afford for him to keep hauling in junk. But is it really junk?! Dun dun dun!!! Then Cade tells his daughter that she should be happy him breaking down the truck and stripping it for parts is what is going to pay her tuition…good ‘ol Daddy Cade. Ugh he sounds like a wack pimp. I can’t even! There’s the desperation part of the trailer.

The desperation part is where they show how desperate the characters in the movie are. And yes, I did just use one of the words in the phrase to describe the phrase. Lets call it something else…how about…an Up The Creek Opening. This is the type of opening that shows how desperate or lost a character is. Mainly it’s used to show the desperation of the protagonist and the characters that surround he or she. At other times it involves the antagonist and it usually explains how the character came to be the antagonist.

Here though it’s displaying the protagonist and their situation.

As Cade starts breaking down the truck he finds some weird metal, and then hits pay dirt. He has officially found a transformer…who would have thought that the junk truck wasn’t really a junk truck? Oh I don’t know, maybe anybody. Just anybody. I mean really Mark Wahlberg pulls in some junk truck in a Transformers movie, and you think it’s just a truck? It’s Mark Wahlberg!! In a Transformers movie! I don’t know if the director was trying to get some shock value out of that part, but it isn’t going to happen. I actually would have been more surprised if it wasn’t a Transformer.

Uh oh maybe Cade shouldn’t have brought the truck home? Cade, now I like saying it. It’s weird the name really begins to grow on you after a couple of paragraphs. Anyways, here comes the government in their ominous black Tahoes or whatever generic truck it is. They want Optimus Prime…wait a minute. Does Mark Wahlberg have Optimus Prime in his garage? To me that was the surprise part, what the heck is Optimus Prime doing looking like that?! Who let that happen? It’s a travesty!

Now Cade decides not cooperate with the government. Then one guy throws Cade’s daughter to the ground. Dag calm down there guy, no need to be throwing chicks to the ground like that. Geez. Violence against women is no joke, but I guess the government can get away with it. Clearly the government is supposed to be depicted as some group of close minded barbarians…which of course is no liking to our actual government. Not an ounce of similarity, not even a gram, no way it could be like our government. No not possible. Alright can I stop being sarcastic now? We all got it right?

Alright then we have Kelsey Grammar telling us that the age of the Transformers’ is gone. Like we haven’t heard that before…well we haven’t heard it in such a smooth and comforting voice before. Seriously. It’s Frasier for goodness sake. We then see a Transformer get blasted down by the government. It’s tough to say, but that Transformer didn’t look like a Decepticon to me.

After that we see Bumblebee and couple other of the Autobots, and then we hear Stanley Tucci talk in a condescending tone to the Autobots. You know I always think that as many times as the government talks bad to the Autobots. The Autobots could have said forget it and tried to kill everyone. In fact it makes me respect them even more because they still stick by the humans, after everything they’ve done to them.

Then we get to the good stuff. What was that you were saying Kelsey Grammar and Stanley Tucci I can’t remember after seeing huge ominous spaceships and a Decepticon walking down the street?! Well they might not even be Decepticons…who knows? Well clearly someone with better knowledge than I would know. Anyway it’s  the same story. Humans gain technology, humans turn their back on Autobots, Decepticons or other enemies come to Earth and cause chaos, humans are way in over their heads, and Autobots have to come in and save the day. I think we also see the same Transformer that the government shot down on that boat, kick butt with two parachutes and two guns. You’re welcome human race.

We see large spaceships sucking things up, we hear Stanley Tucci yell like an idiot, and we see Optimus kick some robot dino bootay! The action in this movie looks amazing!! The story is played out, but the action and new dino robots are epic.

Age of extinction…I think not. Age of Awesomeness. This is now an old trailer the new one is out

And it looks like I have to do a review for the new one next week. Or maybe this weekend, but that’s a long shot. Either way I have to do the new one. It’s pretty cool.

June 27th…this movie is mine!

Guardians of The Galaxy…and My Heart

What is the this the fourth review? Well well well, the fourth review. Crazy to believe that we’re already on four right?! Amazing! Not to mention I have two more to do after this one…no really lets not mention that right now. I just got over excited with the trailers, I couldn’t help myself. Lets just start off with this one shall we?

Alright well here it is the Guardians of The Galaxy trailer. It’s been out for quite awhile already. The movie comes out on August 1st, and someone is excited. And that someone is me…oh wait were you excited too? Oh, well I wasn’t originally talking about you but whatever, geez selfish. Want the spotlight all to yourself? I want to see this movie too you know. Gosh. I mean this is kind of my blog…oh whatever. Lets move on, and be in a sharing mood shall we?

The trailer  makes the movie look promising. Throughout the trailer each one of the “Guardians” gets introduced, and they are all some real criminals. I love it.

First up is Drax the Destroyer who is played by Dave Bautista. Now I’ve been a fan of this man for years due to my wrestling background. I’m excited to see him play a hero, even if he’s a little small time. Drax has been going on a rampage for revenge ever since his family was murdered.Oh a big guy who had a family now going on a rampage for revenge…original. Ehh it makes for a good character in the group.

Then we have Gamora played by Zoe Saldana. I love Colombiana…which is why I love Ms. Saldana. Gamora is a soldier and an assassin. Of course she’s the super sleek and small assassin who is more deadly than she looks. Can’t have a hero movie without one of those.

Then we have Rocket the little raccoon with a bad attitude. He’s probably my favorite out of all of them so far, even though he doesn’t even say a word in the trailer. He’s wanted for vehicular theft and being good at escaping. My kind of guy…animal…thing. He’s voiced by Bradley Cooper. I mean the scene where he’s on Groot’s shoulder blasting people away with a machine gun is awesome!!!

Groot, played by Vin Diesel is easily my other favorite. In the trailer he looks like a nice little tree. We find out he’s Rocket’s muscle and is a force to be reckoned with.  I always love the duo where one has a bad attitude and the other seems to be a nice guy. It’s funny because the smaller of the two tends to be the one with the attitude, while the bigger one is usually the pleasant one. I wonder if there’s a duo like that in this movie…

Lastly we have Peter Quill or Starlord played by Chris Pratt. Starlord is clearly part comedic relief, part awesome criminal. His little debacle with the alien thing that puts on his headphones shows that the guy has juevos. Oh and the little finger trick in front of the cops…oh yes. Pratt looks like he got pretty buff for the role. Yes. Please.

We also get a quick glimpse of Benicio Del Toro’s character Taneleer Tivan/ The Collector. Now he’s appeared in other Marvel films, namely Thor. Oh wait just Thor? Yeah just Thor and now Guardians of The Galaxy.I sense that we might see some more of him later.

We are not introduced to Ronan who is the main antagonist in the movie, he is played by Lee Pace. Oh yes more eye candy! Apparently Starlord steals something that Ronan wants, which starts a manhunt for Starlord. This is why I love IMDB, it tells me things my trailer friends won’t.

Alright this trailer looks like there’s no real story to it. They just wanted to introduce you to the characters and then show off some actions scenes. I have no problem with that. With this type of Marvel superhero movie it’s always good not to reveal the story and just show off the action. The action is what draws in the crowds…and me. I think the trailer makes the movie look pretty good. There’s a part where Drax is being held up in the air by somebody, and Drax looks like a pretty strong guy. Then there’s some scenes where some assassin like agility is shown off, and some awesome space swords. All in all I like the trailer.

It’s a good trailer for an action movie. I just hope that the movie explains itself well because you don’t really get an explanation from the trailer. You just know that the “Guardians” got arrested and they are hardcore criminals. Oh and they are causing some havoc in prison. We also know that whoever put the trailer together knows how to put good music to a trailer to make it even better.  I also might want to add that Marvel is clearly trying to make all these movies for a super movie later on, which would explain DC’s trying to make an array of individual hero movies so they can make the Justice League. Everyone’s trying to push the hero movies out so they can have a big epic movie with all the heroes. A movie that could be even more epic than The Avengers…mind officially blown.

Well all in all I hope the movie turns out great, the trailer is cool. I want to go see the movie after watching it. I could do without the 3D, and I probably will.  I hope everyone goes to check this one out.

Come back again for some more reviews! See ya!

 

Sin City: Maybe the Dame Killed Herself Already?

Wow we’re on our third post…who would have thought huh? I mean the fact that I have no life at the moment probably has a big factor to it but hey whatever! Welcome back for the third trailer this week in the last two days. That has to be a record…but not really so here we go!

Alright ladies and gents we are delving into the new Sin City today. Oh boy! More blood, more guts, and a lot of vendettas!! I love it! Too bad I’m not in love with the trailer. Seriously either the trailer isn’t doing the movie justice or there is not justice to be made, and dear Lord have grand mercy do I hope it’s the first one.

I remember the first Sin City like it was yesterday, oh wait it was more like nine years ago. I was nine. I didn’t even see the film until I was about 13, but I digress. I love the first Sin City, always will. I love Mickey Rourke, Clive Owen, Rosario Dawson, Bruce Willis, and Benicio Del Toro in the movie. They all have their own unique awesomeness about them, even if they all do the classic voice-over about what’s going on and what’s happening next. They all had their own style.

Now in the new Sin City it looks like Mickey Rourke’s character Marv might be fighting over a braud…again. But it looks like he might not be the only one. It seems that Ray Liotta’s character is also fighting for a woman, now are Marv and Liotta’s character fighting over the same woman? I would guess yes over the title of the movie, but lets not jump to conclusions. Jessica Alba’s character, Nancy from the first movie, is still dancing and romancing. But now she’s pulling double duty as a possible assassin. You may recognize the man she is attempting to shoot as Senator Roarke played by Powers Boothe. He was the father of the kid Bruce Willis’ character killed and shot the juevos off of…literally in the first movie. You know the yellow dude who killed all those girls, and could not do his “duty” if the girls didn’t scream. Yeah him, well Nancy is trying to kill his dad. Probably because he’s the reason Bruce Willis’ character John was tortured, sent to prison, and then in a remote way killed.

Now as stated before we have some new characters. We have Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character whom IMDB calls Johnny. He looks like a little scrawny punk, but of course that’ll be the twist to the movie. He’s really actually tough by the end of the movie, Sin City toughened him up…go stinkin figure.Then we have Ray Liotta, Josh Brolin, and Christopher Meloni. We also have the dame I think everyone is killing for Ava Lord played by Eve Green. Josh Brolin’s character looks like Marv to me, just a little scaled down as does Ray Liotta’s character.  Now Christopher Meloni’s character looks like a pencil pusher, pushed way too far. Well that’s how he looks and says his line in the trailer. He looks a little peeved, so maybe we have a new crazed killer in Sin City?

Now there are a group of people I’m happy to see are going to be in the movie. The prostitutes!!! Rosario Dawson who plays Gail and Jamie Chung who play Miho have returned. Thank goodness! You may also see that Goldie or her sister Wendy are still in play, and joining them it looks like Ms. Alexa Vega. Will she be a prostitute or what? I’m counting on it. Lastly we have the character that was sorrowfully left behind by Mr. Michael Clarke Duncan, Manute. Looks like the character will be picked up by Mr. Samuel L. Jackson. I mean why not? It’s not a bad choice at all.

Alright lets really get into this trailer shall we. Well first off, I’m not impressed with Mr. Gordon-Levitt in the trailer. His little macho man line at the end of the trailer isn’t impressive. All in all he seems like a punk to me. He doesn’t breathe hard boiled Sin City material to me but lets hope he proves me wrong in the movie. Maybe his growth is what brings him along through the story like I said earlier. How original right?

Next the fact that Rourke, Brolin, and Liotta all look like two bit macho man thugs is annoying. All three of them look like bruisers can’t we have just a smidge of versatility? I like when characters have a few similarities but when they’re the same character it’s annoying. They better be made distinct in the movie, or it might get boring. Clive Owen kind of looked like Marv but he had his own personality and dear Lord may I say it, “swag” to him. Of course he was nowhere near Marv’s size, but he could kick butt like him.

Alright I have to address Mr. Gordon-Levitt’s scream, and Mr. Meloni’s yelling. Both look and sound so fake it’s annoying. I mean really fake…like acting. If you’re an actor I shouldn’t know when you actually are acting. I can just see it. The fakeness. No to the fakeness please, yes to good acting. Maybe that was just the way the trailer rendered it, maybe in the movie it fits.

It’s completely possible that they just chose really bad clips for the trailer, and the action from the first movie seems to be nowhere in the second one. I’m not impressed and I’m sad about it. I love Sin City, and I was ecstatic to hear that the second one was coming out. I’m hoping everything I hate in the trailer is better in the actual movie, please don’t be false hope. False hope is a waste of time, and I waste my time on plenty of other things already. I miss Clive Owen…really I do…and Benicio Del Toro…even though he was a douche…ahh man….this sucks…it better be good after all this time. I’m not playing any games here.

Well folks I think I’m done with this one. Hopefully I’m wrong…please dear Father in Heaven let me be wrong! Until next time compadres!